Since 1990, the Women's Center has offered counseling services to men and women individually, as well as to couples. Free, confidential support groups are also available.
Counseling
Tips for a Mentally Healthy Holiday Season
Expectations and Relationships
Many problems occur during the holidays because our expectations are unrealistic. One expectation is that it should be a magical time (and it often can be). Also, we hope that everyone will be at “their best” because of the holidays. A healthier approach is to be more realistic. Trying to accept that you can only control yourself and not others will help as well. We suggest focusing on what makes the holiday meaningful for you. Also, making plans to prevent over-extending yourself, over-eating, over-spending, and over-drinking will make for a healthier experience.
If you have family conflicts, do not expect them to go away because it is the holiday season. Sometimes conflicts can escalate at this time of year so be prepared. One strategy is to limit the time you plan to spend with someone who you are experiencing difficulties with and then let him or her know ahead of time that you have a limit. One example: You have a friend who drinks too much and criticizes you. Let her know you will be by to visit her for one hour during the time she is less likely to be drinking. Or offer to attend a religious service with her or another holiday event where she has limited access to alcohol.
If you find you cannot get out of spending a lot of time with difficult family members or friends, be sure to have a support person who can be with you or can be on stand-by for you to call or visit afterwards to discuss your experience.
Families have expectations and can make unrealistic demands on you at this time of year, especially for students who have been away from home; everyone wants to see you. The same is true for someone who has recently gotten married or had a baby; everyone wants to see you too. Setting boundaries with loved ones is difficult so you may want to start practicing as early as possible. You can send an email or make a phone call to let them know beforehand that you have a limited amount of time for visits. You can also make arrangements to see them at a time later in the year. One strategy is to schedule a weekend in January and say something to the extent of: “I look forward to celebrating the New Year with you, at a time when I am less stressed and can really enjoy our visit.”
The pressure to see everyone on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day is part of what causes us to over-extend. Particularly if you are a newlywed or have a new baby, you can communicate that you are starting your own family rituals for these holidays and want to stay at home. It might also be a financial issue, as traveling can be expensive. Try to expand the meaning of being together to other times of the year.
Be careful of buying expensive or excessive gifts to try to make up for conflicts in relationships. This can lead to continued stress after the holidays when you have to pay those credit card bills! Some alternative ideas: restore old family photos and give those to family members. This can help with some healing by reminding relatives of happy times and of what all of you have in common. You could also suggest to family members that this year you place a limit on gift costs or challenge everyone to make their own gifts.
Eat, Drink, and Be . . . Stressed?
The holidays are a time for celebrating with food and drink. Many people will expect you to eat with them or may give you food and alcohol for gifts. If you are also feeling stressed at this time, you might use food and alcohol as a way to try to manage stress. Making a list of other ways to manage stress and keeping that with you can be helpful.
Many times families get stuck in rituals that no longer work. If preparing big meals sends your sister-in-law into major panic, suggest a change in the eating ritual such as organizing a pot luck or going out together. In other words, identify what is making family get-togethers stressful and suggest creative alternatives. Families change because of aging parents, divorces, marriages, and births. Rituals need to change with them. Try to begin thinking and communicating about this early on so that new plans can be made.
Some families volunteer for a needy cause together and spend less money on food, alcohol, and presents, choosing to donate to a charity instead. Some families pool their money and take a trip together at this time of year to ease the stress of cooking and cleaning. There are a lot of alternative options to celebrate the holidays.
If you are invited to parties, you can eat something healthy before you go which will help limit how much party food and alcohol you consume. Focus on eating more protein and less carbohydrates and sweets. You can also host your own party where you can control the types of foods and quantity of alcohol that is served.
Some tips to remember:
• Don’t drink on an empty stomach
• Drinking three or more average-size drinks in an hour is toxic to the body (and will leave you with a hangover!)
• Drink plenty of water so you do not get dehydrated
• If you are taking medications, check with your doctor or pharmacist about the interaction of alcohol with your medication
It is also easy to neglect your workout routine(s) and other sources of healthy stress management during the holidays. Try to plan for this ahead by not over-scheduling your days. If, for example, you have a regular yoga routine, be sure to include it in your holiday planning. You can invite friends and family to join you. Another suggestion is to plan a family walk before or after a big meal or an activity like bowling or dancing. There are lots of gift certificates for activities that could be stress-reducing for you and your family and that could help you with gift ideas!
Grief
The holidays can also be a sad time as a result of missing family members and friends. Especially with U.S. troops overseas, there will be people missing from the holiday celebrations. By acknowledging this rather than denying it, you can plan for how to best deal with your grief.
It is helpful to acknowledge that everyone deals with grief differently. If your brother is in Afghanistan, you may be feeling that the family needs to send him presents from home and make a big deal about it. Your mother on the other hand may want to acknowledge him quietly at a religious service in prayer and resist the idea of sending him gifts. It can be hard to accept what others feel while simultaneously fulfilling your own needs. Some families might experience difficulties like this and need help from an outside person, like a spiritual leader, family friend, or counselor. Asking for professional help with grief or for help with managing the holidays can also be a good stress-reducing strategy.
Hopefully you can enjoy this holiday season and find meaningful ways to celebrate with family and friends. Please call us (434-982-2361) if we can be of any help.
Best wishes for Healthy Holidays from the Women’s Center Counseling Services!
The Women's Center offers free and confidential counseling for U.Va. students, faculty, staff, and Charlottesville community members. For more information and participation, call 982-2252.
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