As I entered my 60s, I realized some things about myself, one of them being that I still want to believe that the habits and beliefs that have worked for me in the past will continue in the future.  

Especially when it comes to my health. Despite some rather obvious evidence to the contrary, I have held on like a limpet to my dogma (“I exercise, I will be fine!”). I have been busy with my life. And these rationalizations are a direct response to the incessant amount of often contradictory, frequently misogynistic media messaging about health and bodies and agency. In one form or another, media has been telling all of us that if we just buy this product or follow that advice, we can have the health, the shape, the body, the sex appeal, the social standing, the value and the immortality we wish for. It is absurd and anxiety producing at best.

I am almost the same age of what, in my grandparents’ time, constituted old age. A recent birthday reminded me that facing facts and changing some habits might be a fine idea. But what to do?  

In the spirit of pushing back on both the doom scroll and my own avoidance, I accepted an invitation from my friend Mary, and we took ourselves off to the UVA Exercise Physiology Lab to find out the facts, the specific data on our metabolic and aerobic health. After a lifetime of working, caregiving, being active in our community, maintaining relationships while also trying to do the right thing healthwise--What would the numbers tell us that we did not already know?

First, an aside. I almost didn’t do it. Who the heck really wants to know—in numbers, charts and graphs—the true number of pounds of adipose tissue one has? Never mind its ratio to one’s lean tissue? I already knew from the way my clothes fit that I was richer than a well-marbled steak in “stored energy.” And who really wants to don spandex to ride an exercise bike as hard as they can--in front of other people--with electrodes all over their chest while breathing into a mask? Or even worse, lie utterly still  and  think calm thoughts for 35 minutes,while having one’s resting metabolism measured? Oof.

It was unexpectedly energizing to see the data and to have it explained by two delightfully motivating, non-shaming scientists, followed by a making a plan.

Curiosity, plus a desire to stop being a hypocrite, pushed me forward. I spend my days helping people break habits of avoidance, that sly rocket fuel of anxiety. Exposure is the only thing that really tames catastrophizing. It was time for me follow my own advice, and also prove to the world that in fact, one cannot actually die of mortification.

And that is exactly what happened. Was it emotionally uncomfortable? It sure was. Was it empowering? Absolutely. Did I get reassuring news? Yes and no. It turns out that all those decades of trying to exercise enough paid off in that I have a decent VO2 max. Do I have to slow down on sugar and a few other favorite foods if I want to have a lean-to-fat tissue ratio that works better for my knees and heart? Yep. Absolutely. I knew all this before, of course – but I did not know precisely what I needed to do about it, or how much. Specifics matter when one is setting a goal. So it was unexpectedly energizing to see the data and to have it explained by two delightfully motivating, non-shaming scientists, followed by a making a plan. In my case, it means more protein and weightlifting, and choosing not to snack at my office (among other things). More doing, in other words, and less thinking/talking about my behaviors.  

Facing it released me from the anxiety and self-doubt that result from procrastination. It has been several weeks since I did the screening. I have not met my goals for exercise, diet and stress perfectly every day. But the sense of empowerment is still there, and the feeling of lightness that came when I got off the worry wheel and got on the change wagon.  

This experience does not change the following facts:

• (If I am lucky) I will age and parts of that are going to be difficult.    
• Many people will still view women over 50 as weak or irrelevant, no matter what any of us do.  
• The Internet will still try to sell me on products and promises for an effortless, side-effect-free, unendingly happy, healthy life, as long as I avoid all the things they tell me will kill me.  
• I will still see and hear truly awful societal messages that devalue me because of my gender and age.  

These are all externals. Seeking out facts—rather than opinions—changed how I experience my intrinsic sense of agency. Starting a change journey with factual information, without all the contradictory and de-motivating, ruminating, opinionating, selling, scaring, comparing and influencing was bracing and empowering. I imagine that may be true no matter what age or gender you are. Double bonus, I now have some hope for bringing my body mass index to a number that will allow me more years of healthy joints.